Gary Sheely

From as early as I can remember, a boy named Craig Waterman lived next door to me in a basement apartment with his mother and sister, Michelle.  Craig was 9 years older than me, and was friendly and kind.  I admired him like a big brother.  The Vietnam War raged, and when I was 11, Craig was drafted.  A few months later he was killed in action. For me, the war came home in Craig’s place.

It led me to no small amount of marginally unhealthy pre-adolescent rumination about what his experience might have been in the firefight in which he died. In my professional life this same fixation settled into a deep interest in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. And what emerged as the most significant facet of my interest is what multiple studies have confirmed are the personality factors that protected the 25% of combat veterans who did not develop PTSD.  These highly stress-resistant individuals are characterized by 3 traits:

o   a highly sociable personality

o   an active, task-oriented coping style (as opposed to an avoidant coping style)

o   an internal locus of control

Highly Sociable:  They make unpretentious connections with others; their self-concept is significantly forged by their perception of their role in their social group; they are not necessarily the “life of the party” but they do value and seek social interaction. Others like and trust them.

Active Coping Style:  This is a patterned response to anxiety.  An active coping style focuses on solving the problem that causes the anxiety.  An avoidant coping style focuses on escaping, diminishing or masking the anxiety caused by the problem, often with drugs or alcohol, or distraction through addictive behaviors, obsessively fixating on hobbies, etc.

Internal Locus of Control: “Locus of Control” refers to what a person believes is responsible for the circumstances of his/her life.  As borne out by the PTSD studies, highly stress resistant individuals believe that they, ultimately, have the power to choose their attitudes, responses and behaviors in any given set of circumstances.  This is called an “Internal Locus of Control.” Conversely, those with an “External Locus of Control” believe that their life circumstances are determined by things outside of their control:  genetics, parenting, socioeconomic status of their family, fate, chance, other powerful people’s decisions, government, etc.

Actually, pretty fascinating stuff.  Especially in light of what I discovered next…

I recently performed a search on Amazon.com using the words “success” and “self-help.”  It returned around 118,000 titles.  It seems there are literally thousands of authors who claim to have the final, end-all/be-all answer to what it takes to succeed, to heal, to recover, to be great, to get rich, to be happy, to be safe, ad infinitum.

But after a day of analyzing the content of hundreds of books in this genre, an unmistakable pattern emerged.

The entire self-help/success literature industry can be summed up in just 3 topics:

1. Books that focus on success and healing through forming and managing the right relationships, cultivating connections for success, etc.  (Highly Sociable Personality)

2. Books that focus on self-management and motivation; identifying the skills that need to be developed for success and happiness, etc.  (Active Coping Style)

3. Books that focus on mental self-empowerment, believing to achieve, etc.  (Internal Locus of Control)

Guess what….

The traits that enable us to survive stress with psyche unshattered…

are exactly the same…

as the traits that enable us to thrive and succeed and be satisfied in matters of money, markets and life-fulfillment.

The implications here for intentional personal and professional development  are incalculable…

Human beings are free and intelligent.  We are inherently self-determining creatures.   We have free will.  Certainly B.F. Skinner’s work in operant conditioning has validity, and it adds to our understanding of behavior, but we also know that we human beings are capable of choosing our own behavioral reinforcements, and can thus choose the influences that guide the development of our personalities. The entire self-help/success industry is based upon this assumption. (In fact, such is also the assumption of all cognitive/behavioral therapy)  We can observe the world around us, form a vision of how we want our lives to be, draw conclusions about behaviors we need to engage in to achieve that life.  Many do just that.

Some, however, have a clear vision of how they want their life to be, but fail to achieve it.  They are just as intelligent as those who succeed. They have a detailed picture of their desired outcome.  They have well-chosen goals.  They have all the same advantages and opportunities as those who succeed, but they fail.    WHY is that?

Because within us all are the seeds of self-sabotage.  Self-Sabotage takes 2 forms:  Active and Passive.  Active Self-Sabotage is when we behave in ways that we know will work against the desires our hearts, but we do it anyway.  It’s when we take a shortcut that we know could backfire on us, and it does.  It’s when we choose some sort of quick gratification that we know will set back our progress toward our highest goals.  These are expressions of Active Self-Sabotage.

The other kind of Self-Sabotage is Passive, and this is my particular niche.  It’s a little more mysterious.  WHY DO PEOPLE FAIL TO ACT IN THEIR OWN BEST INTERESTS?  What things within us cause us to cling to the status quo when it is clear to everyone around us that the status quo has gotta go?  What causes us to resist simple behaviors that would enhance, if not ensure, our survival and success?

In truth, much of our behavior is driven by psychological processes that are under the surface.  Most people exist with varying levels of self-awareness of what is really behind the way they behave.  Sometimes we hide those processes from ourselves, and that’s called “denial.”  Sometimes we hide those processes from others, and that’s called “rationalization.”  Either way, these two processes stand between you and any significant personal growth.

I’ll be writing much, much more on these things.  Stay in touch!

My life’s work for the past 30 years has been focused on being a change agent in the lives of hundreds of people.  That work has been carried out through several interconnected career roles, including pastor, counselor, executive coach, consultant, speaker and corporate chaplain.

As I have studied the self-help titles on the bookstore shelves over the last 30 years, most of them can be classified into two genres:  Therapy and Coaching.   Therapy is intended to heal that which is broken and non-functional.  Coaching is intended to help that which is already performing to perform at maximum capacity.  Therapy helps the crippled to walk again.  Coaching helps a whole person run a 4-minute mile.

There are self-help therapy books for people with phobias, or addictions, or dysfunctional family histories, etc.  And there are a variety of self-help coaching books, such as those for sales people who want to succeed and for entrepreneurs who want to advance their business.

Self-help literature, as a genre, has come under fire recently, and from some credible critics.  This is true particularly in the areas where self-help and self-esteem intersect.  The criticism is not without merit.  The self-help/self-esteem movement has generated self-help “junkies” who buy one book or program after another, only to be worse off than before.  Commenting on this very phenomenon, William Swann, in his book, “Self-Traps,” wrote:

“…quick fixes typically not only fail to raise self-esteem but also raise false hopes and thus add to the anguish of victims low self-esteem.”

Yet, despite the sometimes well-deserved criticism of self-help and the self-esteem movement, there are many thousands of people who have successfully implemented the information and advice found there, and have raised their self-esteem and taken new control of their lives.

Regardless of the challenges and problems in the self-help literature industry, life-change is one of the most sought after commodities in the information marketplace.

There is a Hindu proverb which compares the development of character to the waves of a lake, which wave after wave build up sandbars. After time, the sandbars themselves come to focus and direct the course of the waves. Our persistent succession of thoughts and choices which we begin early in life build up sandbars in the lake of our character until future thoughts and choices are channeled by them. Previous patterns of dishonesty with yourself, rationalizations used to protect your ego or self-concept…these play a big role in channeling your actions and attitudes today.

It is possible to defy those channels. We can move the sandbars. Moving the sand around in the lake of your character is the hardest work you will ever do, but the result is character change…courage…power to be who you want to be.

This blog will be dedicated to helping people “move their sandbars.”